Posted in Albinism, Blindness, and Me, Overcoming Adversity, Pondering about PTSD, The Billy Blogs

The Answers in my Dreams

I stumbled across this little gem on my Time Hop from four years ago. I often use Facebook as a dream journal and post anything weird or noteworthy from my dreams in an attempt to find out why my brain does the things it does.

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All I remember reading this was that I was on a bus in Providence in this dream discussing my issues with the dating world to a an older lady in rags who reminded me so much of my upstairs neighbor from my childhood.

Her quote mentioned above struck me in a way no other quote has before. 

All my life, I have had this self awareness of my disability and my thoughts on how people perceive me. As a kid, and even as an adult, I never really had that filter of disabilty and normal when it comes to finding a partner. My first boyfriend as a teen was a kid who survived brain cancer, and I found his quirks to be interesting. He knew no prejudice like the other boys our age. And to me, that made him a winner, despite his lack of being able to do the simplest things. Same as me and my situation with Bill in adulthood.

A person defined as normal honestly scares me. Their thoughts and attitudes a very complex web of emotions I want to decode and disipher. The world of the normal and able bodied I never saw myself as part of. Normal people are cruel, and the ones who are kind are too hard to find.

The disabled know the feeling of hate and never do they use that towards the ones they love. Nobody can hurt me in cases like that.

I try my hardest to please everyone who wants me to be as normal as possible and date outside my comfort bubble. But the world I stumble across is full of shallowness, bigotry, and unsolicited dick pics.

The woman in my dreams answered a question that up until now, I didn’t understand. I think with age and experience, I have become more aware of my weakness, despite me seeing it as a strengh.

Sometimes, the simplest minds are the less complicated to understand and appreciate.

I do believe she has indeed “Nailed it!” And I can’t thank her enough.

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