Posted in Pondering about PTSD

Feeling Safe

The stress has been in high gear since I found out I got full time. Mostly positive, but too often, the negative rears it’s ugly head.

My full time bid couldn’t of come at a crazier time then our upcoming Food and Wine Festival, a two month long celebration of all things boozey and nom nom worthy. It’s a great time of year. But for someone with major crowd anxiety, it gets scary real quick.

When I transferred here, I found a location where I feel safe for the most part. I’m in a booth surrounded by glass and cement, nobody can touch me.

But their words can. And when you’re trying your hardest to be professional and positive, one bad slur or comment can mean the world between handling life like a pro and going into crazy meltdown status.

I want to work full time and make my dreams come true. But at what cost?

My managers have been an awesome support team, but I don’t want to be considered the baby of the group having to admit asking for help. I have had this job for almost two years now. You’d think I would be a pro at this.

The truth is that last year, I cheated. I took less shifts and gave up my weekends so I would feel safe and less stressed.

Now that I finally got my full time status, I feel that safety net is gone. And I’m scared.

At what point in your life do you feel safe? I don’t feel safe talking to management. I don’t want to seem weak. I’m already legally blind, now with this anxiety of screwing up what is the only positive thing going for me, aside from Bill’s visit, I don’t want them to think less of me than what they already do.

I need to make this work. But what is more important to me? Being safe or being sorry for letting everyone down?

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