Posted in Pondering about PTSD

Are You There, Brain? It’s Me, Mandy

Hello Brain,

The keeper of my thoughts, the holder of my memories, the very thing that keeps me going and aware of my surroundings.

For a few years now, well, most of my life, you have caused a lot of crazy behaviors in me nobody wants to deal with. The crying, the panic attacks, the lack of filter when I needed you to be. Not to mention the angry rages and the various meltdowns that just randomly appeared over the course of the last 3 years or so.

These behaviors are something that many see as attention seeking, a sign of weakness, or as one of my co workers mumbled under her breath today “complete and utter bullshit.”

Here’s my dilemma, Brain. I have been doing everything in my power to hide your little quirks and lately, you haven’t been the best friend I needed to rely on. You have let your little fits rage on in the worst places, you play those bad memories on replay while I sleep, causing bouts of insomnia on days where I really need my rest.

You see, I can’t take it anymore.

The doctors say I have PTSD  the last time you had a batshit flip out like this. And through my writing and surrounding myself with positive people and things, I thought I nipped you in the balls and had you under control.

The truth is I don’t. And that’s what scares me.

This really isn’t a game or a joke what you have been doing to me. This has chased my friends and potentially my job away. All that hard work to live a perfect life, and as always, you have to be the one to call the shots

For once in my life, it’s my turn.

It will be a long road to ease your quirks to a minimum, but it must be done despite my feelings on admitting I need help.

I can’t keep living like this. Please knock it off and work like any normal brain would.

Me, my future with my job, my friends, my family, and my sanity are all counting on you to chill out and do the right thing.

Please do this for me,

Mandy

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One thought on “Are You There, Brain? It’s Me, Mandy

  1. I feel your pain. My anxiety was getting better but do to not getting enough sleep, adrenal fatigue and periodontal disease. It is getting worse. Don’t feel like a failure. It is just a setback. You will bounce back. How is your diet? That will affect your anxiety. The Antianxiety Food Solution by Trudy Scott might be worth a read.

    Like

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