Posted in Pondering about PTSD

Finding Self Worth When It’s Taken From You.

Most of my life has been far from a picnic when it comes to people, especially those you see on an often regular basis. Classmates, club members, co-workers, people you are often forced to associate with.

Out of the dozens or so people I associate with daily, I get along with many, some are great friends I hang out with on occausion, others are just those who respect you and yet they don’t want to be bothered and appreciate their quiet time. And others, well, lets just say are far from magical.

I grew up with a lot of abuse from many of my classmates and co-workers from jobs in the past, some situations are triggers to my PTSD, which has kicked into high gear the last five years or so. Those instances always made me question my worth in this world. Why am I not pretty? Why can’t I do the things others can do? Why some people can succeed and excel better than I can, and yet no matter what I do, it just isn’t enough.

I have built up a shell since my days as a kid, learned how to fight back, or simply just walk away and let karma run it’s course.

But sometimes, that shell can crack, the yolk of emotions leaks out, and things get messy.

Sometimes Humpty Dumpty can’t be put back together again.

I want to find my worth in this world, even if it is just selling tickets and working a decent job until I can retire. I want to find true love beyond my current situation where I would be respected and not judged . And although medically I can’t have kids without it being a high risk pregnancy, I still want to have my own family and live out the dreams of everyone else who leads a normal life.

I want the world to know that while my disabilities force me to be one step behind my peers, I am pushing twice as hard and demand respect and dignity.

I may not be the best worker. I may get emotional when things trigger me. Sometimes I don’t read visual cues too well and make mistakes. But hasn’t anyone done the same thing at one point?

People like me, we want to be respected, loved, and most of all, ACCEPTED.

I don’t want to settle for less than that. And I believe nobody should. Even those I consider my enemies.

I wish disability meant no boundaries, no hate or discrimination, no pain from others too ignorant or misinformed to understand.

I just want to be me. And be accepted for it, instead of having any dignity I have left taken from me. I battled many demons in my life, why should I have to battle more?



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s