Posted in Pondering about PTSD

Crash and Burn

Every brain with PTSD works in mysterious ways. Some with the disorder suffer from flashbacks, others get afraid of basic situations that others wouldn’t think of things being a trigger (fireworks, seeing blood, etc.) But my brain works weird. Sure I get the normal crowd ainxiety or being bombarded with multiple people asking me a million questions in unison, but what strikes me as odd is when it effects my sleep via the ever famous car crash dream.

About 5 years ago, I was involved in a car crash that involved me breaking a few ribs while my mom took the blunt of the shock, despite it being my side of the car that was T-boned. Although we made it out OK, my dreams decided to take that incident and have a little “fun.”

Any stressful situation would be turned into a car crash dream. If I had a bad day at work, or having issues with my ex, or if something bad happened to Bill or someone I love, it would result in these dreams, often with random people that have nothing to do with the situation at hand.

In October of last year, after going through these dreams on top of going full time for the first time in my life, I had a breakdown at work that forced me into getting the help I needed in order to stop these weird dreams and help me destress. The meds work great and life got better. The dreams became scarce to almost non exsistant, until last night.

My mind kept replaying the same scenario, me with a friend from work or my college days walking around someplace, usually a city or somewhere backstage at work, and then a car near misses us as it burst into flames, followed by multiple cars either trying to run us over or chasing us until the friend gets killed, I get trapped inside a spot where I can’t run, or wake up to screeching tires and headlights. The headlights are usually the last thing I see.

I notice I have these dreams when life is stressing me out to the point of me coming home and crying for no reason, yet another thing that hasn’t happened in awhile. Life has been amazing, especially since I made the trip to see Bill and my writing has taken off a bit more, and my sales at work are pretty good. RJ is mostly gone and I’m surrounded by great people with a lot of positivity.

So what the hell is the problem?

For the first time since February, when I was down with the flu, I had to make the decision to call out. And I freaking hate that. I haven’t had a day like this since October, and even then, I was still semi functionable at my worst and went about my day.

Last night was spent worrying about everyone who wound up in a dream with me, me worrying why this has happened to me, and why of all things must my brain do this despite it getting all the happy pills and TLC it needs.

Going to my therapist tomorrow to get it checked out. I’m at my prime, why is this happening?

I just want to be a normal functioning human being and not have to deal with this nonsense.


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