Posted in The Billy Blogs

To My Boyfriend With Cerebral Palsy, from Your Train Wreck of a Girlfriend

My sweetest Bill,

From the day I met you, I knew something special was about to unfold in my life that would forever set me on a course of finding my voice in a world that at times tuned me out.

And by mean special, I’m not talking about the crutches you once used when I met you, the wheelchair you now rely on, or your learning differences. Special is a term automatically associated with a negative stigma that downplays any sort of amazing atributes you  posess, your strong will to prove others wrong about you, your sarcastic sense of humor, your amazing judgement of character, and your self acceptance that to this day, I’m still trying to find in myself.

We faced a lot of negativity when we decided to take a chance and go on a date 10 years ago to the dismay of my family and your staff, so much in fact that I was forced to leave you for 7 years to make others happy. “Date normal.” “You could do so much better.” “You’re a dumb college kid who doesn’t know anything.” All those mean things and more is what made me leave you behind as I left to explore the world on my own

The truth was, I was never happy. My family and friends were and so was your staff, but I was falling apart. And you knew it. Despite us dating other people and  pursuing other goals, we still made time for each other via a phone call. You always told me “We are stuck together like glue.” and that you would never give up on me.

Seven years later, after I broke up with a long term boyfriend that I thought would make others happy, I found myself on a plane to be reunited with you. I learned my happiness shouldn’t be on other people’s expectations but my own.

I didn’t fall in love with you because of pity, surprisingly I did that on more neurotypical men than anything else. I didn’t fall in love wirh a man in a chair, the way society often sees you as.

I fell in love with Bill, the man with an infectious personality, the most piercing green eyes, the strong arms that make me feel safe on days where I’m falling apart, the way you can make me happy after a tough day. And so much more.

I see a person with a strong will to make the most of his life and achieve his goals.

I see a person.

You.

I thank you for being with me at my best times and my worst times, the times where I gave you my undivided attention and the times I let you down in my quest to please society. I thank you for taking me under your wing and giving me a second chance, although at times I don’t feel like I deserve it.

I know our time together is limited, given our distance and the cost it takes to make the trips across the country to see each other. I know our dates are through Skype, whenever we can get it to work properly, and gift giving is through snail mail. But the times we have together are deeply treasured. Every waking moment, from the good and the bad, is spent in total happiness.

I may have some haters in my life, but this time around, I refuse them to bring me down. I want to be happy, and my happy is with you.

Thank you for sticking it out with me, even in my darkest moments.

I love you Sunshine.

Forever yours,

Mandy

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