Posted in The Billy Blogs

Smiling Through It All

There are times throughout the years with Billy that just baffles me to no end. How he knows so much about life like some Nobel Prize winner, but can barely function beyond a third grade education? How can he turn a negative stigma situation and turn it into an awesome teaching moment without raising his voice or pissing off the offending party? 

And most recently, how he can turn yet another misfortune in his health into a laughable moment?

He is getting a hospital bed to help with his back and feet issues, which to someone who has seen family members go downhill, a hospital bed is just yet another accessory that means death. It’s bad enough seeing him on his apnea machine and his gait trainer, things he never had before I left. Now a hospital bed in the mix? 

Oddly enogh, he picked up on my worry a thousand miles away over a 4G LTE signal as if I was sitting in front of him.

“Babe, it’s going to be OK. It’s just a bed that bends and helps me. That’s all. I’m not dead yet.

And yet in typical Billy fashion, he laughs it off. As if it was some kind of crazy drunk story from the other night at a bar or something. 

How can one laugh at their misfortunes and the idea of potential death as if it’s nothing? This is something I will never understand, and what I wouldn’t give to learn for the sake of my own sanity.

I just want my old Billy back, the spunky guy who walked on crutches and would crawl around his apartment like a solder crawling through swamp land. The guy who was just so able despite being disabled. The guy who didn’t need all this stuff years ago to keep him going.

I just wish I could fix him and bring him back to the way he was before I left Providence seven years ago, but I can’t. And that just irks me. 

I wish I could understand his logic, so advanced for me, it’s like learning Latin backwards taught by a someone who speaks Japanese while blindfolded with earmuffs on. Somehow he has this logic of acceptance and yet I can’t get through the day without feeling down on myself over stupid stuff.

What is wrong with me? What does he see in life that I can’t? Why can’t I turn back time and be with him on this journey where it would just be a part of normal life and not just one surprise after another? Why can’t I stop hurting and be strong for him like a good girlfriend should be?

I’m sticking this out as long as he is alive, but that little voice in my head keeps telling me to leave before the unthinkable happens so I won’t hurt. Either way,I would still be in pain. Guilty that I can’t do anything to help him.The same guilt I feel now being in Florida while he is in Rhode Island. 

I may be overeacting to something as dumb as a bed, but I just don’t know how to accept this like he does. 

Maybe I’m just afraid to let go.

And who wouldn’t be? 

I pray he stays healthy for as long as he can. I don’t want to lose him.

As long as he can smile through it all, I guess I can only smile with him, although the pain inside remains.

Please, let it all be OK. 

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