Posted in Overcoming Adversity, Pondering about PTSD

Somewhere….

The last week has been a whirlwind of emotions. Mostly those of fear, abandonment, and guilt, knowing my days as a Floridian could be numbered if a decision on my destiny is not made soon.

Amungst the bad has led to some good. My best friend Amanda took me job hunting and another good friend Jan took me out for some food shopping and BBQ, when my only request was a bag of apples  (because being thrown into poverty means the simple luxuries of fresh fruit are no more.) 

I have had my friend RJ pop in from time to time to check on me and keep me motivated in what was once simple tasks, like doing chores or keeping my mind occupied by watching TV or playing Pokemon Go while strolling Universal, where he works Halloween Horror Nights. He even took me to the Hello Kitty store. Hoping I land there for work if my Universal application falls into the right hands. 

Bill and his staff have been super supportive of what I have been through, as are a variety of others in my former Vacation Planning family messaging me and texting me. Despite all I have been through, I am not alone down here. 

The fear of being alone still scares me, each knock on the door brings fear of being handcuffed again and taken away. I still can hear the screams in my sleep of the patients I shared a ward with.My therapist is working on helping me cope with the recent trauma I have been through. But its not enough. All that motivation I had upon taking off that rainbow colored vest and those god awful polyester pants one last time has disappeared. I have reverted back to a lump of nothing, sleeping all day, trying to force myself to stay awake and do something  has been tough.

I am trying my hardest to keep going, knowing that somewhere, someone needs me. Whether it’s for a cashier or a librarian, or back to the booths under the Big Ball if the grievances fall through, I want to have a meaningful life, knowing I can live on my own without support, get a job and keep it, and for once feel safe again. 

The weekends have become torture since things that will alter my destiny only happen during normal business hours.

I can only hope this week brings positive change and that someone, somewhere, can look past my flaws and see me. Someone worth something. 

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