Posted in Pondering about PTSD

What Builds Up…Must Come Down UNCENSORED 

I don’t want to go into too much detail of what has happened to me the last few weeks, but today, after reading some old evaluations from my job and looking back at my own personal record, it has become apparent that anger has consumed me whole. And it’s sharing no signs of stopping.

When I get angry, I black out, not remembering what was said or done other than that I snapped. I thought all this time friends and family were making stuff up, but after learning what I learned today, it has become apparent that I lose control. Never to the point of violence, but to the point where that little filter between my brain and my mouth just shuts off and let’s loose. 

And honestly, I am scared. 

You would think being on meds would control it and therapy every two weeks would surpess it.

Guess not.

I did learn that bullying by people, especially strangers, throws me into that fit, as well as personal stresses at home that just chill in the back of my mind. Combine those two and chaos ensues. And I can’t control it.

I get angry at myself afterwards, wishing I could change things but knowing the damage has done sets me off into a whirlwind of stress and depression. 

I hate the way I am and knowing how effed up my brain is, makes me hate myself even more.

Why is my brain this piece of shit blob that ruins any good thing I have acomplished? Why can’t I function in society the way I should be? 

What the hell is wrong with me?

I want to get better but my brain won’t let me.I don’t want to be afraid anymore of my thoughts manifesting into words. 

I just want to be normal. Is that too much to ask? 

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4 thoughts on “What Builds Up…Must Come Down UNCENSORED 

  1. I don’t know your beliefs, but I would recommend spending some time in prayer and/or meditation. When I go to church each week it is a peaceful time to think about what is going on in my life, and I really like the music too. There are free meditations you can download to play to relax yourself. Obviously I would recommend talking to your therapist about ways to deal with anger management, but you may already be doing that.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I had similar-ish issues a couple years ago. The culprit was partly a medicine I was one for ADHD. Since I work from home now I no longer need to take it. Life is SO much better. It really sucks that one of the side affects of this medicine was agitation when it was used for a long period of time. Check into your medications side affects and see if that is the culprit. 🙂 SO proud of you for writing your truth!!

    Like

  3. just remember you are not on your own. You got your family/friends and you can even use the blog to help cope through this difficult time.
    Wish you the best, and hope everything goes according to plan.

    Like

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