Posted in Albinism, Blindness, and Me, Overcoming Adversity, Pondering about PTSD

Where Do I Belong in this Big Magical World 

After a month of waiting, I finally got the news that I am eligible for a new assignment with the company I worked for during the last three years. Happy news when I thought my life was over, but the idea of starting fresh is leaving me nervous, upset, and a tad bit offended. 

Right now, trying to find a placement where I can succeed is a main goal, but the only options that can garuntee instant placement are part time merchandise or full time custodial. No other options are disability friendly or in a less stressful enviroment (which I need until I figure out what the hell is wrong with my brain.) 

Which leads me at a crossroads, do I do what I know best and have them take the full time status away along with it’s benefits, or do I keep the benefits but work a job I already know I’m going to be depressed and oppressed in?

It’s times like this I wish I wasn’t disabled, where I was fully capable of doing anything and everything. Seems like this reality I live just keeps getting worse off.

Even Bill, the big self advocate he is, had a strong opinion on all this. I told him about my potential fate in terms of work assignment and he starts laughing. 

“No babe, I’m not laughing at you at all. I’m laughing because the company doesn’t see how smart and capable  you are. If only I can write a letter to them  and tell them what they are doing is wrong. You’re worth more than what they see. This is ridiculous! You didn’t move a thousand miles to set yourself that low.” 

Thats all Im saying. If only home boy had a law degree. He has a point after all. 

Yes, I have PTSD and am legally blind. But I’m far from what I know they think of me.Convincing them on the other hand will be a challenge. 

I’m praying for a great outcome from this, where I can just go back to a gift shop where I started and make the most of it. I was well respected doing what I was good at. Only complaint at my original location  was that they didn’t want to me learn how to do bank out at night. Seemed like a silly disability related restriction to me since I handled money all day, but I digress. 

I just want to be able to prove myself worthy somehow. To show the world anything is possible. My last position stressed me out, but was only the cherry on top of a stress sundae built from a sick mother, an even sicker boyfriend, bills getting their yearly hike, and medical issues on my end. Mmmmm….tasty. 

My last position did give me happiness, helping guests plan their vacations, assisting them in messed up tickets or lost reservations, helping them plan their day. The small things in life like a birthday button and seeing the first timers’ eyes light up as they are handed their tickets for the first time was what kept me there amungst the angry guests and petty office drama. 

One things for sure, my possible placements won’t bring the same growth or the same opprotunities. Even more so that I’m coming in already broken and labeled to an extent where I can already tell management will assume I’m “retarded.” It’s happened before in other jobs. And in a Right to Work state like Florida, it happens more often than you think. 

I’m hoping for a great outcome from all this. It’s a big step down, just hope it’s not that big.

The good out of this is that my unemployed days are coming to an end. For now anyway. 

And now we wait. 

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