Over the last few days, Bill has been very verbal to his staff on what he wants from me in terms of taking the next step in our relationship, moving in with each other or at the very least, moving close enough to where we can see each other daily. This involves a lot of life changing decisions that could harm him or make me jobless again.
The first scenario is for me to move to Rhode Island, a move that takes 1,200 miles and lots of money to pull off, and for someone on a gamble wth a seasonal job the next few months, this is a risk I could attempt when the season is over. Problem is, I spent the last four months jobless and I got a lot to catch up on. Work is an important part in keeping me alive, breaking even, and then eventually making a move. If I decide to take the risk, there is no garuntee I can find stable work up there, and since I fall into the grey area of disability, I can’t get services to help me get to where I want to be. And if I do somehow qualify for services, my fear is relinquishing my freedom under the mercy of staff and social workers. I have been mostly independent since college, I don’t want to lose my freedom.But in the case of moving in with him, I need to take the help for my own sanity, so I know he will be safe and I can still be in his life.
The second scenario involves him moving down to Florida, which involves me basically devoting my whole life to him and taking a lot of crash courses in taking care of him. This also involves the potential of having to hire care out of pocket, which scares me since I live off a glorified carney style income. Florida has waiting lists and it’s all group homes, Bill doesn’t do well in those types of placements, he thrives off independence and I want him to still have what he worked for in Rhode Island. Florida is so far behind in services, it’s ridiculous. If I took him in, it would involve a move to a first floor apartment and tons of money on mods so he can move around as he pleases. It would also involve finding a doctor for him as well, something I haven’t even found for myself yet since I left Disney. It would be different if I was more able bodied and could drive and hold down more hours, but sadly I can’t as much, which puts me at a disadvantage.
The third scenario is to walk away, and why the hell would I do that? I love him way too much to do that. I lost him plenty of times the last few years, I’m done playing that game. I’m in it for the long haul.
I want our lives to be as normal as possible. I want to have him around so we can share our lives together. But why the hell must it be so hard for us to pull it off?
It breaks my heart when I try to explain to him why I can’t simply just pack my shit and move.It’s not as easy as it sounds, especially in a cross country move like this. Try throwing the fear of him losing his care if I move in. Oh yeah, I forgot to share that part too.
If only Santa Claus could throw a couple million in my stocking so I can figure all this out.
I’ve been a good girl this year. Well, as good as I could be.