In a relationship as complex as the one I have with Bill, I often get the many backlashes that come with it. Mostly from society telling me what is right and wrong, others come from me wishing and hoping for a miracle to happen so we can move forward and enjoy whatever time we have left with each other before “That Day” comes and ends it all (although the last few months have been looking awesome bealthwise for him.)
A lot of people ask too many questions or make too many judgements. My “friends” back home mock me for “being with a retard” and not settling down with a normal man, like they hoped I would with my friend and ex RJ. Many assume I am wasting my time and need to get a real man with no limitations on how we can handle things, like his case where any purchases have to be allowed by his case worker or staff on duty so he doesn’t overdraft.Hence the reason I never get any gifts from him anymore unless I am up there with him. Or how dates are determined by whether or not his staff and care attendants can spare two hours and drop us off someplace or whatever.
I frankly put up with a lot of shit in this relationship and often wish of something more just to be on par with society. To see others flourish and live out their dreams of marriage and family and be a part of society the way we are supposed to is something we all want.
And I admit, there are times I wish I can walk away. I have done it before, and could very easily do it again.
But there is a thing holding me back from leaving him behind, letting that ableist bitch inside me struggle endlessly for the reigns.
There is something about him that always has me going back, as if we are connected on a different level we just can’t explain. The gifts, the care staff, the distance between us, it’s all minor compared to anything else I have ever faced in a relationship. Although in a normal relationship, those would be the nail on the coffin.
I doubt it was pity, guilt, or anything of that sort that kept me holding out this long, because it never was a factor to begin with.
I try to dig deep in the reasons why we fell in love. And I come up with nothing, other than what some in my family refer to as my insight, how I tend to look past what others see. My mom told me I made friends with some creepy dude at the mall in a wheelchair where she worked when I was a preschooler (turned out he was a homeless war vet,) and as a curious third grader, I always seemed interested in the kids in “the other class” who “acted weird” and “sat in highchairs in the cafeteria.”
One of the reasons why I felt this connection with people was that I went through my whole life feeling broken and lost and never quite found a way to own that. People in my situation are more relatable to me than anyone else. They seem to know what I have been through because in an ableist society, people label you as an outcast and see your flaws as being “lazy” or “snowflake like” in nature.
Upon meeting Bill, he made owning his disability and taking it with stride easy as fucking hell. He’s always so happy even when his life and health goes to shit. That quality is something to treasure. Even the most “normal” of men don’t have that in themselves, at least the ones I came across thus far.
There is something bewitching about him that I can’t explain other than that awesome personality. And for the life of me, I can’t figure it out beyond that, the least I can do is accept it. And accept it, I shall.Very rarely in life do you find a person with that big of an impact on you, and losing that said person over trying to peg one’s self into social norms would be a crying shame
If I have to be the laughing stock of those who claim to love me, live a life apart like this, or move into a controlled enviroment with care staff in and out of the place, that is just the life I bring upon myself. If I fail, it’s my own doing. Just like when I quit Disney and joined Universal (which still has me doing seasonal work.)
I am at a crossroads on a lot of things. And oddly enough, this relationship isn’t one of them. We know we want to stick it out for the long haul, even if the odds are stacked against us.
Although in a ways, this portion of our story is currently stuck in traffic. The reason still remains uncertain. Is it me, him, or the result of a broken system that has led us down to this?
Feel free to unbuckle your seatbelt. It’s going to be awhile before this fender bender is cleaned up and our destiny will have a clear path.