Posted in Pondering about PTSD, The Billy Blogs

Schooled in Trust

After a week of Bill “grounding me” and not talking to me after some misunderstandings on my last piece about us, I actually had a pretty decent talk with him about communication. 

A conversation that actually turned against me, but in a good way. 

Ever since I moved away from Providence and did some city hopping on Pennsylvania, we would randomly drift apart and reconnect. And when we finally got back together in late 2015, I vowed I would never lose him again. 

But to do so required me, by default, walking on eggshells to please everyone. His original staff never liked me or my “bad choices” to treat Bill like a normal adult who wanted a social life, and I assumed in returning, things would be the same as they always were. Heaven forbid I make others angry. Since then, I have been afraid to reach out, even though I know the people he has now are awesome individuals who put their heart and soul into everything they do.

As I decided to bite the bullet and reach out to his staff for help, I finally got a phone call, his tone very mature and caring, mine about to chew him a new one like any other worried person would be if their loved one dropped off the face of the earth.

As we were talking things out, I told him that he needed to work on communicating better, but what surprised me was his response.

“Haven’t you stopped to think that maybe it’s your disability keeping you from communicating too?”

Now, keep in mind, when someone mentions my disability, I automatically go to my physical condition. Never do I even think about my mental illness.

I kept listening to him as he explained further.

Your brain shuts down and you get all panicky sometimes, and you sometimes forget the staff aren’t the same as the ones I had before. I get why you are scared, but you don’t need to be.” 

I had a lot of things happen in my life that make me not trust people. The situations I had in the past with former staff was one of them.

All this time, I was in “conspiracy theory mode” thinking the worst, when I should of been thinking about all a staff person in his house does on a daily basis. From medical and personal care, his meals, doctors appointments, the bowling league, his work, and so much more, not to mention welcoming me as a guest and treating me with the same love and respect they give their clients everyday. These people do so much, and here me and my “panicky brain” made them out to be villians.

As I wrapped up my phone call, his staff sent me a text that pretty much summed it all up, in addition to offering help and advice if Bill asks for it in the morning.

…The past is the past, no one can change that. Everyone learns and becomes the people they are today based on what they have learned from their past…

Maybe I am the one who needs to learn to communicate better, to trust more, and forgive and forget. Maybe focusing on the negatives and blaming him.and others on conspiracy alone could very well have killed an amazing relationship.

Thanks Bill for putting things into perspective, and thanks to Bill’s amazing staff who deserve way more credit than I have given them. 

Guess I got a few things to learn myself.

“Oh no, he didn’t!” Well, apparently he did.

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