It seems to me that I always tend to fall into this rut upon leaving a relationship where I tend to go back to an ex after shit hits the fan. Most of my adult life circulated around Billy and RJ. And I honestly don’t know why.
Both men, although they had their annoying quirks and baggage attached to them, being troubled pasts or caregiving issues, were my most successful relationships. With Bill, it was one where we defied all odds like some sort of fairy tale, while RJ brought me a sense of adventure in our three states worth of living together. Bill originally brrought on the romance up until I left Rhode Island, while RJ, let’s just say, brought on the rest…winky face.
I’ve had other men in my life since my college days, and a few Tinder hook ups that never made it past meeting in person. I know my options aren’t limited, but why do I insist on bouncing back between the two?
Honestly, I don’t know.
I think it has something to do with the way both men treated me in various points of my life, how their impacts have made me the woman I am today. Bill brought out my self advocacy skills and having me admit my disability, while RJ embraced my inner nerd and helped me take risks and be adventurous. I just don’t want to lose that feeling they both have given me. That feeling to be myself. Kind of odd I feel like I need them to continue that.
If only there was some way to find that feeling in myself again. With Bill still undecided as to the extent of our relationship or friendship and RJ and I not willing to take that step to go back to the way things were, I need to find that sense of self worth again without them.
Only question is, how? How does one find worth when life has given them a bad hand? After countless men turned me away, there must be something wrong with me, whether it is disability, looks, or God knows what. What did these two men see in me that I don’t? Or am I some sort of weirdo magnet? What value did they find in me to put up with my bullshit for so long?
Guess I’ll have to find that out myself.