Posted in Pondering about PTSD, Relationship Ramblings

What If?

A typical night for me the last few weeks involves my brain carrying out every single worst and best case scenario in my head. From losing Bill just recently to losing my job in the summer, it has been a thought dancing through my head much to my dismay. It’s a thought of something along the lines of “Could this have all been prevented?”

My adulthood journey began around Christmas my senior year of high school, when I got the welcome packet to go to Johnson & Wales. I originally decided to choose the newest campus that was being built at the time and set my sights for Charlotte, North Carolina. I wanted to leave what was referred to as “13th grade” and go for the real deal (while a lot of my friends decided on the 13th grade route and went to the local community college.) 

Something told me about a month or two before going to college that Charlotte was not going to be for me. What made me have cold feet was a combination of watching a few of my friends go to the Providence campus, being closer to my family in the event something happened, and an odd dream that somehow was an omen to Bill and my writing career. But that is for another post. 

It makes me wonder what would of happen if Providence was never in the cards for me and I chose to stick to Charlotte instead. I know for a fact I would of never met Bill, nor would I have ever met RJ a few years later, which would of resulted in me not being distracted by random guys, knowing college dudes don’t take to nerdy fat chicks like me, and would lead me to graduating and potentially being something beyond a glorified carney.

Or would it?

Maybe the best case scenario mentioned above could of played out different. I could of flunked out and moved back home, or I could of found an equivalent of Bill somehow and ruin my life the same way this life turned out. 

Which then opens the door to alternative universes.

Would Mandy, or Ydnam from the planet Odnalro be a CEO of a billion dollar company as a result of hard work and not finding a Llib or a JR to distract her? Would she find a successful career man and hatch a bunch of babies instead? Or would she have died as a result of a giant tentacle creature that makes Cithulu look like the Easter Bunny? 

Would the alternative me be a happy person and not the depressed lump I am now? How would said alternative person find that happiness?  Or is this all aternative fact and my brain just pulled a KellyAnne Conway? 

My brain hurts now. 

But honestly, it makes me wonder if the life I lived could of turned out better instead of the shit show it is now. It makes me wonder what went wrong and if there is still a way to fix it and make it all better.I spent my whole life at the bottom, can I at least get a chance to be on top? (That’s what she said.) 

I can only hope one day I find that purpose in life, and look back at all this and say “it was all worth it.”

But for now, my brain, and the million other Mandys in the alternative unknown, race on, trying to find a purpose in the lives they live. 

Except tentacle creature devoured Mandy. May she rest in peace. 


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