Posted in Overcoming Adversity, Pondering about PTSD, Relationship Ramblings, The Billy Blogs

Finding (Self) Forgiveness 

Usually, we find it difficult to control our mind. It seems as if our mind is like a balloon in the wind – blown here and there by external circumstances.
                    -Kelsang Gyatso

I have been struggling a lot lately with forgiveness, mostly due to losing Bill and trying to patch up whatever friendship we have left. Losing him has been the ultimate nightmare of mine. Like a balloon, I feel free, but yet I feel lost in the wind, wanting so desperately to be tied down.

Forgiveness has been a hard concept for me to grasp.Trust has always been something I have had issues with since I have dealt with some bad people in my life who would take advantage of my kindness, only for me to be tossed to the curb in the end. How can I forgive others if they hurt me? I am the queen of holding grudges, you do me wrong, ain’t no turning back. 

Bill has fallen through the cracks in the situation, which has tested my patience as well as my self worth. In a normal relationship, he would be the last thing on my mind. But we were never classified as normal in any aspect of being together. Disability was never a “get out of jail free” card for him, but what is?

Maybe it is my attitude that caused all this, expecting way more than what he could deliver. Expecting higher standards for myself while forgetting I am allowed to make my choices and not be punished for it. Why should I go through a second party for approval? 

Because it’s Bill and I have no freaking clue why.

I want to forgive him for the situation with his little friend as well as my choice to take this new job because me being the egotistical whacko I am, I never thought once about his feelings in all this.

But are his feelings worth changing my whole life around? Where do I draw the line in all this?

What if the person I need to forgive is myself? 

Silly concept, but it’s much needed, given the new park is opening soon and my training is mere weeks away. I want to be positively focused on something that could make my life better. I made the choices I did to propel myself forward. I shouldn’t feel guilty for making that decision, even if I broke his heart. 

The guilt has resulted in a few bad nights of sleep, weird dreams that just don’t make any sense, and a desire to cuss people out just because I can. Never have I felt so irritable in my life. Most of this anger is brought upon myself since it was me who decided to end it on impulse, who had issues with his lady friend, who picked up a job away from him. I’m the one who did all this. Me.

I want to forgive myself for the choices I made, looking at the bigger picture has shown me the way to a better future for myself. I hope in due time, he will be proud of me for doing this and will forgive me. Knowing Bill, he can be really stubborn. Like a brick wall, he’s tough to break. Let’s just say it’s going to be a while, if anything, for him to open up again.

But I can’t wait for that to happen. Time is precious especially in transition like I’m in now. Somehow I need to find that in myself. My fate depends on it.

Things can only go up from here, right?


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