Posted in Overcoming Adversity, Pondering about PTSD

The IEP Effect

Imagine if you will that you’re the only kid in your class with a disability, and yet somehow, you manage with the aid of whatever accomadations you have. Things are going well, you are learning everything you need to know. “You got this.” you say to yourself.

And then here comes a random lady with a clipboard, who follows you around everywhere for the entire day.

As a little kid, you don’t question it. Until your IEP comes around and mom and dad chew you a new one about something wrong you did or about an accomadation you decided not to use.

And then it dawns on you. That lady is documenting every move you made and adding it to your IEP. The purpose is supposed to help you grow and function, but once you realize what is going on, anyone with a clipboard becomes your enemy. 

You try to deal with said enemy by remembering all the flaws you had the last time and try to work your way through it, even bullshitting around things to make you look good (as a kid, I did that a lot.)

And then the IEP comes out and even more things get thrown on there, even things you always did right come out wrong. The stress eats you alive and that fear of failure lingers to the point where you feel worthless. It’s almost like if you are a straight A student but fail the SATS. You’re smart and do everything right and yet someone or something above you says different 

You would think dealing with this kind of issue would pass as you leave childhood, but in my case, it doesn’t.

In my work, we get observed on how well we do in our sales pitch. Last week went amazing, and yet for some reason, I failed this time despite what I assumed I did correctly. That fear of failure as I watched the gentleman with a clipboard behind me sent those negative vibes I grew acustomed to as a child. I tried to outshine so much, but somewhere along the line, it all faded to black. 

Ever since childhood and more recently since me leaving Disney, I always get that sick sense of being a failure and losing every ounce of self esteem over a freaking clipboard. Hell, even if they had an iPad or whatever I would be scared out of my mind still. The fact that I am physically being graded throws me off so hard, it’s as though I’m back in elementary school again.

I don’t hold any blame on anyone by any means. The man who graded me is an amazing mentor, but I do blame the fact that a system seeking more flaws than successes, IEP, sales reports, or otherwise, has that physical presence that makes you feel pressured to be perfect to a point where you aren’t. Ultimately, I blame my childhood experiences on this fear that somehow manifested itself into the adult world. I am a great seller, but when I know I’m being graded, I shut down somehow. 

Although there is a big difference between the IEP and a Sales Report, the premises of improvement remains the same, right down to the details that can make or break a person. 

Learning experiences in general should be more positive, although flaws and needs of improvement need to be addressed, there has to be another way to do it so those who need help won’t feel the embarassment of dealing with their differences and needs.

The last thing I would want is for any child who needs an IEP to deal with the constant fear of failure that I’m feeling now as an adult.

Curse you, you evil clipboard.

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One thought on “The IEP Effect

  1. Stop Amanda! You are putting yourself down…YOU EXCELLED at sales at Disney AND customer service!! They GAVE YOU ALL KINDS OF AWARDS AND promo gifts for your sales and services!
    Just keep your confidence up! You are gonna be fine! Relax and enjoy the new job!

    Like

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