It’s been a few months since Bill walked…or should I say rolled…out of my life, and although I should be over it by now, the honest truth is that I’m really not. I have been so emotionally invested for the last decade, and most recently the last two years, that I feel like at times, I haven’t given others a chance.
While dating Bill, I landed in some tough times that have resulted in RJ coming to my rescue, at one point, taking partial residence in my apartment, only going back to his for mail checks and doctor’s appointments since his apartment is closer to there. He has helped me through my darkest moments, and yet I was so focused on Bill and his needs. When Bill would “ghost” me for weeks due to a new video game or whatever, RJ would bring up a fun conversation and keep me from feeling bored. When Bill would forget my birthday or whatever holiday that was coming up, RJ would drop off a little something to help me celebrate.
I kept saying to myself that Bill “didn’t know better” or that his payee who held his money ransom was just “being a bitch” until it was later revealed that he was more into himself and his games to not care about me. And when you added his “not my girlfriend” into the mix, the only logical answer would of been to leave him and go with RJ.
Logic? What the hell is that?
Over the last few weeks, RJ and I have been toying around with the idea that we should try to pick up where we left off, especially since most of what ruined us in the past has been resolved. He found work, he is more respectful, and he has taken initiative even when I was tied up in other things.
It hurts me lately that even though he loves me, I don’t believe in it. Between our past and me losing Bill, I’m afraid to love again. I call him my boyfriend, but I don’t have that sense of pride that I should when saying it.
I look back at the weeks that followed me landing the new job and can’t help but feel guilt upon staying here over moving in with Bill. But the question remains “would I have been happy there? Or am I better off here?”
Would I have reconnected with the art scene to some degree on my own?
Would I have ever found all the cool things to do in Orlando without limiting myself to my “bus bubble” (I always feel paranoid getting lost.)
Would I have the freedom to do what I want when I want it?
Would I have taken the chances to grow and be a better person without a fear of abandonment?
I most likely wouldn’t of found that in Rhode Island…or elsewhere.
While Bill told me it wasn’t worth me keeping this job, RJ was in my corner, cheering me on, telling me that he was proud of me. Words Bill used to say to me way back when. Back when his heart was in the right place and not stuck in a gaming console, or a random lady friend.
Sometimes, I wish I never took RJ for granted like I do. I wish I can find a way to love him again like the way he loves me.
Needless to say I am angry at myself for being angry at him for reasons unknown. My emotions are so off kilter on this matter, that I wonder if I can even learn to love again in general.
I wish I can see what RJ sees in me, since I’m just a mess of a human being. Whatever the reason may be, I’m thankful he hasn’t let go.
If only I can learn to hang on.