Posted in Relationship Ramblings, The Billy Blogs

Learning to Love Again

It’s been a few months since Bill walked…or should I say rolled…out of my life, and although I should be over it by now, the honest truth is that I’m really not. I have been so emotionally invested for the last decade, and most recently the last two years, that I feel like at times, I haven’t given others a chance.

While dating Bill, I landed in  some tough times that have resulted in RJ coming to my rescue, at one point, taking partial residence in my apartment, only going back to his for mail checks and doctor’s appointments since his apartment is closer to there. He has helped me through my darkest moments, and yet I was so focused on Bill and his needs. When Bill would “ghost” me for weeks due to a new video game or whatever, RJ would bring up a fun conversation and keep me from feeling bored. When Bill would forget my birthday or whatever holiday that was coming up, RJ would drop off a little something to help me celebrate.

I kept saying to myself that Bill “didn’t know better” or that his payee who held his money ransom was just “being a bitch” until it was later revealed that he was more into himself and his games to not care about me. And when you added his  “not my girlfriend” into the mix, the only logical answer would of been to leave him and go with RJ.

Logic? What the hell is that? 

Over the last few weeks, RJ and I have been toying around with the idea that we should try to pick up where we left off, especially since most of what ruined us in the past has been resolved. He found work, he is more respectful, and he has taken initiative even when I was tied up in other things. 

It hurts me lately that even though he loves me, I don’t believe in it. Between our past and me losing Bill, I’m afraid to love again. I call him my boyfriend, but I don’t have that sense of pride that I should when saying it. 

I look back at the weeks that followed me landing the new job and can’t help but feel guilt upon staying here over moving in with Bill. But the question remains “would I have been happy there? Or am I better off here?”

Would I have reconnected with the art scene to some degree on my own?

Would I have ever found all the cool things to do in Orlando without limiting myself to my “bus bubble” (I always feel paranoid getting lost.)

Would I have the freedom to do what I want when I want it?

Would I have taken the chances to grow and be a better person without a fear of abandonment?

I most likely wouldn’t of found that in Rhode Island…or elsewhere.

While Bill told me it wasn’t worth me keeping this job, RJ was in my corner, cheering me on, telling me that he was proud of me. Words Bill used to say to me way back when. Back when his heart was in the right place and not stuck in a gaming console, or a random lady friend.

Sometimes, I wish I never took RJ for granted like I do. I wish I can find a way to love him again like the way he loves me.

Needless to say I am angry at myself for being angry at him for reasons unknown. My emotions are so off kilter on this matter, that I wonder if I can even learn to love again in general. 

I wish I can see what RJ sees in me, since I’m just a mess of a human being. Whatever the reason may be, I’m thankful he hasn’t let go.

If only I can learn to hang on. 

Posted in Overcoming Adversity, Pondering about PTSD, Relationship Ramblings, The Billy Blogs

Finding (Self) Forgiveness 

Usually, we find it difficult to control our mind. It seems as if our mind is like a balloon in the wind – blown here and there by external circumstances.
                    -Kelsang Gyatso

I have been struggling a lot lately with forgiveness, mostly due to losing Bill and trying to patch up whatever friendship we have left. Losing him has been the ultimate nightmare of mine. Like a balloon, I feel free, but yet I feel lost in the wind, wanting so desperately to be tied down.

Forgiveness has been a hard concept for me to grasp.Trust has always been something I have had issues with since I have dealt with some bad people in my life who would take advantage of my kindness, only for me to be tossed to the curb in the end. How can I forgive others if they hurt me? I am the queen of holding grudges, you do me wrong, ain’t no turning back. 

Bill has fallen through the cracks in the situation, which has tested my patience as well as my self worth. In a normal relationship, he would be the last thing on my mind. But we were never classified as normal in any aspect of being together. Disability was never a “get out of jail free” card for him, but what is?

Maybe it is my attitude that caused all this, expecting way more than what he could deliver. Expecting higher standards for myself while forgetting I am allowed to make my choices and not be punished for it. Why should I go through a second party for approval? 

Because it’s Bill and I have no freaking clue why.

I want to forgive him for the situation with his little friend as well as my choice to take this new job because me being the egotistical whacko I am, I never thought once about his feelings in all this.

But are his feelings worth changing my whole life around? Where do I draw the line in all this?

What if the person I need to forgive is myself? 

Silly concept, but it’s much needed, given the new park is opening soon and my training is mere weeks away. I want to be positively focused on something that could make my life better. I made the choices I did to propel myself forward. I shouldn’t feel guilty for making that decision, even if I broke his heart. 

The guilt has resulted in a few bad nights of sleep, weird dreams that just don’t make any sense, and a desire to cuss people out just because I can. Never have I felt so irritable in my life. Most of this anger is brought upon myself since it was me who decided to end it on impulse, who had issues with his lady friend, who picked up a job away from him. I’m the one who did all this. Me.

I want to forgive myself for the choices I made, looking at the bigger picture has shown me the way to a better future for myself. I hope in due time, he will be proud of me for doing this and will forgive me. Knowing Bill, he can be really stubborn. Like a brick wall, he’s tough to break. Let’s just say it’s going to be a while, if anything, for him to open up again.

But I can’t wait for that to happen. Time is precious especially in transition like I’m in now. Somehow I need to find that in myself. My fate depends on it.

Things can only go up from here, right?

Posted in Pondering about PTSD, Relationship Ramblings

What If?

A typical night for me the last few weeks involves my brain carrying out every single worst and best case scenario in my head. From losing Bill just recently to losing my job in the summer, it has been a thought dancing through my head much to my dismay. It’s a thought of something along the lines of “Could this have all been prevented?”

My adulthood journey began around Christmas my senior year of high school, when I got the welcome packet to go to Johnson & Wales. I originally decided to choose the newest campus that was being built at the time and set my sights for Charlotte, North Carolina. I wanted to leave what was referred to as “13th grade” and go for the real deal (while a lot of my friends decided on the 13th grade route and went to the local community college.) 

Something told me about a month or two before going to college that Charlotte was not going to be for me. What made me have cold feet was a combination of watching a few of my friends go to the Providence campus, being closer to my family in the event something happened, and an odd dream that somehow was an omen to Bill and my writing career. But that is for another post. 

It makes me wonder what would of happen if Providence was never in the cards for me and I chose to stick to Charlotte instead. I know for a fact I would of never met Bill, nor would I have ever met RJ a few years later, which would of resulted in me not being distracted by random guys, knowing college dudes don’t take to nerdy fat chicks like me, and would lead me to graduating and potentially being something beyond a glorified carney.

Or would it?

Maybe the best case scenario mentioned above could of played out different. I could of flunked out and moved back home, or I could of found an equivalent of Bill somehow and ruin my life the same way this life turned out. 

Which then opens the door to alternative universes.

Would Mandy, or Ydnam from the planet Odnalro be a CEO of a billion dollar company as a result of hard work and not finding a Llib or a JR to distract her? Would she find a successful career man and hatch a bunch of babies instead? Or would she have died as a result of a giant tentacle creature that makes Cithulu look like the Easter Bunny? 

Would the alternative me be a happy person and not the depressed lump I am now? How would said alternative person find that happiness?  Or is this all aternative fact and my brain just pulled a KellyAnne Conway? 

My brain hurts now. 

But honestly, it makes me wonder if the life I lived could of turned out better instead of the shit show it is now. It makes me wonder what went wrong and if there is still a way to fix it and make it all better.I spent my whole life at the bottom, can I at least get a chance to be on top? (That’s what she said.) 

I can only hope one day I find that purpose in life, and look back at all this and say “it was all worth it.”

But for now, my brain, and the million other Mandys in the alternative unknown, race on, trying to find a purpose in the lives they live. 

Except tentacle creature devoured Mandy. May she rest in peace. 

Posted in Relationship Ramblings

The Most Honest Dating Profile Ever

Woman Child Seeking A Guy To Put Up With My Bullshit!

Name- Mandy, That’s Amanda if you’re nasty

Age- 31

Location- America’s Tourist Trap (Orlando FL)

What I do with my life- When adulting, I work the theme park circuit here in Orlando. Started at Disney and found myself working for Universal instead. Currently I walk parade floats around until the new water park opens and I am back to working a “Big Girl” job again as a ticket seller. When not adulting, I collect toys, raid comic cons, and volunteer at random events. Oh, and did I mention I blog? 

I’m really good at- That’s for you to find out…wink wink…Nah, I’m kidding. I honestly don’t know what I’m good at, other than my writing and my cynical sense of humor. Plus, I make a mean taco out of dollar store crap and whatever meat is on sale at Target. Poverty brought out my inner Martha Stewart. 

The first things people usually notice about me- I’m that chick with the creepy eyes, constantly walking about as if I’m drunk but I’m not. I’m high on life and nystagmus. I’m chunky and I know it, more cushion for the pushing. But a lot of people say I’m the girl with a great smile and gorgeous reddish brown locks. I always try to be positive even though life has beaten me with the Ugly stick and enough bad karma to where I am convinced I must of been Hitler or Mussolini in a past life and deserve to take life’s bullshit with a grain of salt and a smile. I guess you might have figured this out as you’re reading this, I don’t sugar coat anything. I’m 100% real, loud mouthed but with a good heart, and I don’t stop fighting for what I want in life even if I got a bad hand from it.

Favourite books, movies, music and food

Books – “Diary of Anne Frank” and “The Giver” are my favorites, as is the Hunger Games series. Love dystopian stories. (Could explain the bad karma thing I mentioned earlier.) 

Movies – Wayne’s World and Demolition Man. Both movies I could watch for days on end and never get bored. 

Music – I am emo as hell…early 2000’s emo…MCR anyone?

Food – Anything and Everything. I love trying new things, even weird fusion foods, speaking of which, there is a Pop Tart Breakfast Sandwhich at Disney that is the stuff dreams are made of.

The five things I could do without- Ableism and Sexism are my two big pet peeves. I refuse to be your trophy girlfriend or your inspiration. Love me for who I am and the flaws that come with it. I can also do without really bad rap music, doing dishes, and black licorice jelly beans…hey, a fat girl has to draw the line somewhere.

I spend a lot of time thinking about- What I can do to make the world better while also helping me figure out my true potential. I also think a lot about my current ex Bill and what I did to set him off on a rampage. Spoiler alert, it has to do with me being career focused and not wanting to settle for less. I am always a second guesser, so please excuse me as I tend to ovetthink crap. 

On a typical Friday night I am- –Right now, I am working Friday Nights as a parade escort for Mardi Gras season at Universal, but when not at work, I’m usually in bed, sipping some cocoa, playing some nerdy toy and video game reviews off YouTube or watching Netflix petting a pussy…or two. I forgot to mention, I have two cats. 

The most private thing I’m willing to admit- I am one of those girls who isn’t all about the sex, so sorry if you were only into me for an easy fuck. I cherish friendship and fun over getting it on any day. Doesn’t mean sex isn’t off the table, you got to earn my trust. 

I’m looking for- Someone who doesn’t mind a crazy theme park worker with two cats and massive toy collection. I love to have fun and be adventurous despite my introvertedness and desire to get all snuggled up to a cup of tea and call it a night. I want a guy who will show me love and not “ground” me like a child when I’m naughty. Although I’ll gladly take a spanking or two. I want a guy who can date the hell out of me and hopefully provide for me instead of the other way aroumd. 

You should message me if… You aren’t scarred for life after reading this, you want to get to know me, and using my theme park tickets are not your top reason for writing back to me (sorry, not gonna happen, although I’ll share my discount for CityWalk if you behave yourself.)

Posted in Relationship Ramblings, The Billy Blogs

The Rebound Effect

It seems to me that I always tend to fall into this rut upon leaving a relationship where I tend to go back to an ex after shit hits the fan. Most of my adult life circulated around Billy and RJ. And I honestly don’t know why.

Both men, although they had their annoying quirks and baggage attached to them, being troubled pasts or caregiving issues, were my most successful relationships. With Bill, it was one where we defied all odds like some sort of fairy tale, while RJ brought me a sense of adventure in our three states worth of living together. Bill originally brrought on the romance up until I left Rhode Island, while RJ, let’s just say, brought on the rest…winky face.

I’ve had other men in my life since my college days, and a few Tinder hook ups that never made it past meeting in person. I know my options aren’t limited, but why do I insist on bouncing back between the two?

Honestly, I don’t know. 

I think it has something to do with the way both men treated me in various points of my life, how their impacts have made me the woman I am today. Bill brought out my self advocacy skills and having me admit my disability, while RJ embraced my inner nerd and helped me take risks and be adventurous. I just don’t want to lose that feeling they both have given me. That feeling to be myself. Kind of odd I feel like I need them to continue that.

If only there was some way to find that feeling in myself again. With Bill still undecided as to the extent of our relationship or friendship and RJ and I not willing to take that step to go back to the way things were, I need to find that sense of self worth again without them. 

Only question is, how? How does one find worth when life has given them a bad hand? After countless men turned me away, there must be something wrong with me, whether it is disability, looks, or God knows what. What did these two men see in me that I don’t? Or am I some sort of weirdo magnet? What value did they find in me to put up with my bullshit for so long?

Guess I’ll have to find that out myself.