“Sometimes I write you letters that you’ll never read
When I get to drinkin’, I get to thinkin’
I wish you were thinkin’ about me“- Set It Off “Why Do I”
Ever hear a song that just hits you in the feels? In that moment where you think you have moved on but part of you hasn’t? I had that moment tonight. And it hurts.
I stopped talking to Bill in late March of 2020, right around the beginning of the pandemic. Before then we would talk maybe once every few months if that. After he decided to end it with me, he became less and less of a priority for me. Time drifted us apart and we went on to live separate lives, with the occasional check in.
Somehow those check ins just stopped. No rhyme or reason. No issues majorly between us since we let time heal things. Just an odd drift apart in a time where survival was key.
It’s been almost 4 years since that time, and as much as I know it not to be in my best interest according to many, now is the moment I need him the most.
In September, I landed a spot in the coveted and competitive Partners in Policymaking class for my state, a program Bill mentioned many times before to me. All his stories of going to the Capital in his state to speak in front of politicians, news crews, and lawmakers. He would usually end his stories with a “One day, Princess, you’ll be there too.”
The Florida Developmental Disabilities Council had me film a video asking lawmakers to lift age limits on APD (direct support services) along with other demands like investing more in the waitlists and offering better mental health programs and services for the late diagnosed autistics among others. And in February, I will be taken to the Capital with my class to lobby for those with developmental disabilities.
His premonitions were correct.
This is a time in my life where I so desperately want him to be in my corner, to tell me what to expect and how to handle things if it goes sour. I want him to see the good I tried to pursue with the self advocacy movement down here, which in turn helped me learn that I in fact, also am developmentally disabled and not just a horrible person people paint me as.
I wonder if he does think of me. And if so, would he still be cheering me on? Four years can really change a person.
My advocacy journey has truly come full circle from those days of being tricked into presenting a shoebox of my favorite things to strangers to sharing my journey with politicians alongside my small but mighty Policymaking class.
I just want him to see what I’m doing. I want to know if I made him proud. The romance aspect is gone but my love and respect for him as a friend and mentor is still there. I wonder if he feels the same for me. Am I anything to him?
If anything, I just want to show him my gratitude for helping me become a better person and advocate. His small act of kindness and trickery helped me grow. If those are the only words I can say to him, so be it.
But then again I still think to myself while growing the courage to reach out again…
WHY DO I?
Legally Blind Bagged by Mandy Ree 